Shaving Party #1

Happy Memorial Day!  Miranda and I went to Mom and Chi Chi's house to hang out with my family.  We had a great time, and a special surprise.  My cousin, Marianne, who just moved here from Texas, came to spend the afternoon with us.  It was great to see her and catch up.

Today we had our first shaving party.  I have begun to shave my head (not bick it, but get pretty close).  In gesture of support, Matt asked me to shave his head.  So I did.  Yes, Miranda helped me in the hard parts because Matt didn't want to look completely ridiculous.  But when it was all over, he didn't look bad at all!  

Then Warren and Spencer jumped in the seat.  Parker was asleep and so we didn't get him.  Spencer seemed to enjoy it.  Warren?  Not so much.  But he did it, and I was appreciative of it!

A special thanks to Miranda for helping with the shaving.  And a bigger thanks to Heather for letting Matt, Warren, and Spencer shave their heads since she is the one that has to go home with them and answer for their craziness!

Family like them make this trial easier to go through.  It's still not easy.  But with people are are ready to help and support, it is lighter.  Like I said about Matt before, you would be hard pressed to find someone as loyal and caring as he is.

I don't want to sign off until I give a shout to all those who have sacrificed for our great country!  Thank you all and thank you to your families!  Many have given the ultimate sacrifice for my freedom, and I want you to know that I appreciate it!  God bless you and your families, and God bless the United States of America!

Drawing On Powers of Heaven

These are some of my favorite pictures that Miranda and I have taken as we have visited the temple together over the past five years.  Today was the first time I have been back to the temple since my diagnosis.  It was so refreshing.  It was like being back home.  Oh how I have missed the sweet spirit.

I had two amazing experiences there today.  I will not be sharing them in detail.  All I will say is that I will never question the reality and existence of my loving Heavenly Father.  He is real.  He loves us.  He hears us.  And if we really let go, we can feel His arms around us, holding us, telling us everything will be all right.  I also know that He answers our prayers and gives us instruction.  He teaches us how to make our weaknesses our strengths, and then tells us to testify of His power.

The temple is so much more than where we go to get married or perform ordinances.  It's so much more than a magnificent building and symbol of faith.  It's a House of revelation.  It's Father's House.  It's where we go to be with Him.  It's a House of peace.  It's a House of light.  It's a place where you can draw upon the powers of heaven, and be so close to Home that you can "pierce the hidden white" as Kenneth Cope described it.  

I love the temple.  

Here It Come, or There It Goes...

It finally started.  I am losing my hair!  As I was washing it this morning, I felt like a shaggy dog.  I would run my hands through it, and clumps would come out.  It was pretty gross!  Honestly, I started laughing!  The I started to get annoyed because I would clean all the hair off my neck, just to realize that as I thought I was clean, I would get another big clump running down my face and neck.  I just couldn't get it off. 
So, soon, I will be bald!  I think that we will be taking it as a process though so it doesn't freak our Miranda.  She is a hair person, and so I am not sure how she would react if I come home with no hair!  Little drastic!

On a more thought provoking side...

I am learning so much about the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  In the Book of Mormon, the ancient prophet, Alma, taught that Christ would "take upon Him the pains and sicknesses of His people."
Christ's atonement was not just for the sinner, but the sufferer.  It is for he who "casts his burdens upon the Lord," having faith in His power to heal.  It is for the person that not only believes IN Him, but believes Him; believes what He says He can do.

I know that the Savior of my soul is with me through this trial, carrying me, taking upon Himself my personal sufferings from the cancer.  He can do that because He already has!  He has felt them.  He knows them just as I know them.  That is why He can succor me, and teach me.  The only thing I need to do is become "His people."

Grommet Island Opening

Last year I did some work for a man named Bruce Thompson.  His son is suffering from ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease).  For the past three years, he has spear headed a fundraiser in VA Beach to raise money for ALS in hopes of one day finding a cure.  He is a remarkable man.
In the second year, I was asked to lead the fundraiser and event called JT Walk and Beach Party.  This year, we were trying to raise money to build the world's first beach playground completely accessible to people in wheelchairs, raise a certain amount of money to donate to ALS Foundation, and stem cell research.  It was quite an undertaking.
In the end, we raised over $2 million, and broke ground for the playground called "Grommet Island."

this is a statue of Josh and his brother, Chris.  It's called "Anticipation."  Josh (the bigger boy) is teaching Chris what to look for as Chris is about to try to surf for the first time (called a "Grommet").  In his eyes is excitement and anticipation, waiting for Josh to finish his teaching, and for the chance to get into the water.
It's symbolic for the way people in wheelchairs feel, especially the children.  They wait anxiously for someone to help them, for someone to break a barrier for them.  They wait for something like Grommet Island Beach Playground to free of them.

   

Today was the Grand Opening for Grommet Island.  It was a special day for all involved.  Many things once thought impossible are now a reality for this special group of people because a bunch of people got together, and decided that something needed to be changed.  It's like Cinderella and the Fairy God Mother sing in Rogers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella," "Impossible things are happening everyday."
The ceremony was great.  At the end, the park was opened.  But what made it special was that the first 45 minutes of its opening was reserved solely for those in wheelchairs and their families.  It was a special experience to see some of these children and their excitement; to see a father in a wheelchair being able to go down a slide with their child for the first time.  I admit, I got a little emotional when I saw a little girl in a yellow wheelchair who was just beaming and squeeling with excitement at her new-found freedom.



What an amazing experience.  These people who have been dealt this trial in their own lives make my trial seem so small.  I mean, cancer is big, don't get me wrong.  But mine will not take my life.  In fact, it will only take a short time from me.  These people have their trials for the rest of their lives.  They will never know some of the things I have been able to do, and will still be able to do.  It's not in their future.  My future is still unpredictable and limitless.  For that I am grateful.

Now, I do have to warn you who are reading this that have cancer and are going through chemotherapy.  You are much more susceptible to sun burns because of the chemo.  WEAR SUNSCREEN!  WEAR SUNGGLASSES!  WEAR A HAT!  COVER YOURSELF!  THE SUN HURTS NOW!

Chemo #2? Not So Much...

Well, I guess I should get back to the cancer stuff, since that is what this blog is supposed to be about.  So here you go...

things don't always work out the way they are scheduled.  Today was supposed to be the second round of chemotherapy for me.  Not that I can say I was excited to get it, but it was just on the schedule and so I was geared up for it.  Anyway, things began as normal, with the check in and blood work and preliminary tests.

Then Dr. Lee came in and broke the news.  There are things called neutrafills in your white blood cells that help fight infection, disease, and all that bad stuff.  A normal count of neutrafill for someone is about 4,500.  Dr. Lee said that in order for him to even consider giving someone chemo, their neutrafills need to be at least 900.  The reason for that is because with chemotherapy, you need to be as strong as you can so your body can help fight the cancer.  What happens is that when you first go in there, you are at 100%.  You get chemo, and your ability to fight infection and disease is decreased dramatically (let's just say 50%).  I "sit out" for two weeks, then go back for another round of chemo.  However, my body hasn't fully recuperated from the first chemo, and so I am only at about 85% of capacity.  My immune system gets shocked again with the drugs, kills good and bad cells, and I leave there at about 40% of capacity.  I recover for two weeks, go back for chemo, and the cycle continues.  So I am NEVER at 100% again.
Well, getting back to the numbers and neutrafills and all that, Dr. Lee likes people to be up at least in the 900-1000 range.  I was at 350.  It's nothing to be super alarmed about, but I couldn't get my treatment today because I was so low.  It would just make me more susceptible to infection and bacteria that my body would then have to fight, along with the cancer, and he just didn't want to put me through that.  So I will need to get some extra blood work done this week and see what the next round will bring me!
Miranda and I just enjoyed the day together in place of the chemo.  It will be nice to feel way for another week, but I dread what the next week will bring.  If it's anything like taking off two consecutive weeks from the gym, and then going back hard, this is really going to stink!

Chemo #1

Well, today was an interesting experience.  It was my first day of chemotherapy.  It takes about 2.5 hours for me from seat to hook up to finish.  But some funny things happen.

1.  I get drugs that have sedative stuff in it, and so I have been warned that I will fall asleep a lot, probably in the middle of sentences!

2.  One of the drugs is nicknamed "the Red Dragon."  It makes me urinate red!  So that is kind of funny!

So what happens is I check in, and then go the "Vampire Cave" so they can do blood tests.  the ladies there are really nice.  I funny lady, Jaime, from New York did it today.  As I left, she said, "Be blessed."  And she says it to everyone!  What a great lady!

So then I meet with Dr Lee who goes over my blood results and checks up on me, making sure everything is ok.

then I go to back room, and find a comfortable reclining chair, sit back, and get ready to get poisoned!  sounds fun huh?

I have already met some incredibly nice people.  There are some people that were there almost all day!  there were others there that know it's only a matter of time befor they pass on.  there are others there that are in the same boat as me.  there are others that have no support system with them.  but they are all incredible people.  we talk together and share stories and experiences with each other.  I found another family that I have become a part of, and am really excited!

Of course, I am not excited about the side effects.  I am already feeling it.  Nauseau, dizziness, tired, weak, don't want to eat, don't want to drink.  This is going to be interesting!

Surgery #2

Well, after the debacle of yesterday, today was a breeze!  At least I was out for the hard part!  I had a surgery in preparation for chemo tomorrow to put in the mediport for my treatments.  While there, the doctors also took some bone marrow from my hip to make sure that was clean of cancer.  Everything from that came back well, so that is great news.

So the mediport is really cool.  The doctor put it in the right side of my chest.  There is a tube that they took up to my neck, inserted in my jugular vein, and ran down to my heart.  So what will happen is the nurse will put a needle into the mediport through my chest to give me the medicine.  The poison will flow through that, into the tube, down to my heart, mix with the blood, and disperse throughout my body, attacking the cancer cells (and others).  Pretty sweet deal!

So tomorrow is the big day.  It's so weird to hear that sentence, "Chemo tomorrow."  I never thought that it would be my sentence!  It's a weird feeling!  But it's the truth!  It's here.  It's my reality.  And great things will come from it!  I just remember the words of Christ to Joseph as he prayed in Liberty Jail, "thine adversity and afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;..."

Chemo will only last for a short time.  It will not be forever.  I can do this.  I know I can.

May 5 2005 vs May 5, 2010

 

Five years ago on this day was the happiest day of my life. Miranda Leigh Robertson became Miranda Leigh Dudley. Yep, she did it! She took my name! what a glorious day. We got married in the Washington, DC Temple on a perfect day. Pink flowers (for Miranda of course), clear skies with a slight breeze (for me), family and friends. it was perfect! 

Family and friends make these days so special. thanks to all who came and sharing that special day with us!

Fast forward five years...

Well, this anniversary didn't quite turn out the way I had planned! No traditional dinner or gift exchanges. In fact, nothing was ordinary. The ONLY thing that I could count on was being with Miranda, and neither one of us wanted to be where we were...

I had three tests that had to be taken in preparation for more surgery and chemotherapy. One of these tests was a Pulmonary Function Test. It would let the doctors know how effective my body is with the amount of oxygen it takes in; how deep I can breathe; all that fun stuff. I get to go in one of those space ship capsule looking things.

The next test is the Arterial Blood Gas Test. The nurse takes this huge needle, feels around for the pulse in my artery, and stabs "blindly" into my arm, hoping to hit the artery and identify how much oxygen I have in my arteries. this can be done through two areas, my wrist or my arm. Both hurt.

The third test is a heart test to test the left ventricle. One of the chemo drugs can do some damaage to the left ventricle and so they wanted to make sure that I would be strong enough to handle it.

So the nurse began by putting me in the PFT chamber, then opted to perform the ABG test. She didn't move me from the chamber, and so i was slouched over as she tried to take my blood. Not the most comfortable of positions. To make a painful story short, she couldn't find the artery through my wrist, and eventually came out.

Now we get to the good stuff. She went in through my arm, which was totally painfl. She used the needle as a joystick, trying to find the artery, and failed miserably. On her last attempt, she struck a nerve, and it sent excruciating pain all down my right arm. I told her to take out the needle, and she did so reluctantly.

I put my elbows on my knees, said I didn' t feel well, and that was all I remember.

In comes Miranda memory. I begin to fall over, and MIranda runs over to catch me before I face plant into the hard cold floor. the nurse has no idea what is going on because her back is turned. I am now vomiting all over the place, still unconcious. The nurse finally turns around, and helps Miranda put me back in the capsule. She closes my mouth to contain the vomit, and by then, we have a full group of people in the room.

After explaining the situation and what happened, the doctors asked Miranda if she wanted to take to me home or go the ER. What a dumb question!! We have no idea what just happened. She is scared to death. I am sill incoherent and throwing up everywhere, How are we going to make a wise decision? So eventually, we did the only thing we could do...

We went to the Emergency Room. We waited, and waited, and waited, and then I was seen by some nurses. and then we waited more, and then a doctor or two came in and said hi. But it was quite an ordeal. I still sat in a pool of my vomit. Eventually I got some paper scrubs to change into.

We continued to sit in the ER until the doctors were comfortable that my heart was ok. Once that got done, we were discharged. But we still had the problems of getting those tests done. One thing I knoew, I REFUSED to get that ABG test done again.

I was able to do the heart test, but the PFT had to be postponed. I was ok with that.

Another horrible outcome of this was that Miranda and I missed our second appointment with the Jones Institute for more cryopreservation. We just want to make sure that we get all our kids here. It would eat us apart to think that we couldn't get them all here. So this news broke our hearts.

It had been a long, hard day. But we still had some celebrating to do. It was, in fact, still our anniversary! And so we went out and bought some shrimp. cheese, bread, and fruit, and had a picnic on our family room floor where we watched a movie. It was good to be together.

How grateful I am for Miranda in my life. While she not perfect, she is the most amazing person I have ever met. She makes me happy everyday. Her quirky dances in the kitchen, and squeels of excitement make my smile. Life could not be better without her. Happy Anniversary Miranda. I love you!

PET Scan #1

Yuck!  If you ever have to get a PET Scan, I empathize with you.  Now, let me start by saying this.  When Ryan and I were little, my parents used to put us in the car, go to the car wash, and run it through the "spaghetti."  It would either freak us out, or put us to sleep.

The PET Scan does the same for me.  I sit in a little area by myself, and drink this chalky, nasty, radioactive stuff that feels like will kill me.  If I didn't know what it would do, I would say NOT WORTH IT!!

But then I get to lay down in that bed looking thing there, and I fall alseep in a matter of minutes!

This is where they check to see if I "light up."  The stuff that I drink and am injected with is attracted to the cancer cells like a magnet.  When they find them, they make them light up on the screen.  that tells the doctors how much cancer I have, and where it is.

After all of that, I have to stay away from little kids and pregnant people because I am "radioactive."  Matt loves that as his dream job is Jack Ryan and CIA stuff.  He thinks it would be so cool to be able to be picked up by satellites because he's radioactive.  I tell you what, the taste alone makes it NOT worth it!
I will have several of these over the next six months as I go through chemotherapy.  After that, from what I understand, i will have them every three months, and then that number will get smaller until in five years (I think), they will leave me alone and I can say officially that I am a CANCER SURVIVOR!  Just as long as I survive the drink!

Jones and UVA

Well, here's something I thought I would never have to do. Our family has certainly had some interesting experiences when it comes to procreation and getting our families here. Although, it's no gaurantee, because of the chemotherapy, I might be infertile. Which means...

Yep, Cryopreseervation at the wonderful Jones Institute. I won't spend much time on this.  that would be a bit weird!  All i will say is that I am grateful for modern day medicine and technology that allow Miranda and me to still be parents when all is said and done with this. However those children come, they will be loved, and we will be so blessed.  For Miranda's sake, I just hope they don't come in packages the size of Ryan and me when we were born!




After the Jones Institute, Miranda and I took a drive to Charlottesville, Virginia to meet Dr. Duvauss at the University of Virginia for a second opinion of the specific diagnosis.  This was recommended to us by Dr. Lee, my oncologist.  It was a wonderful visit.  Dr. Duvauss concurred with everything Dr. Lee has said, and so it made us feel very confident that we were being treated the right way.  It was very encouraging.
After we were done, we just drove around the city a bit.  We went across a bridge where a young woman was memorialized.  We came to find out that she was a senior at the school, and on the girls lacrosse team.  She was murdered by her ex boyfriend, a senior as the school, and on the boy's lacrosse team.
What a sad story!  Each getting ready to graduate.  Obviously, each very talented.  Each having their whole lives ahead of them.  And now, each having to pay the price for an action that was done in the heat of a moment.
How precious life is!  My heart aches for those families that are suffering this loss, especially the family of the young woman.  Hearing stories like these makes me realize how precious everything is, and now those feelings are magnified as I go through my own fight.
The ride home was wonderful.  Miranda and I had such a fun time, talking, signing, playing games, and luaghing together.  What joy she brings to my life!  I know that I would still go through this test without her, but she makes it bearable.  She makes it almost enjoyable as she keeps my spirit light and happy!

Boys Weekend

OK, so these pictures aren't from the weekend.  We did not take a single picture of this weekend, of which I am totally bummed.  But here it is...
This weekend was great!  Ryan flew in for a visit.  Probably to reassure himself that I was not dying!

We had a busy Saturday.  I got to my parents' house early, and we had a good time visiting.  After that, for some reason, we decided to go golfing.  We aren't golfers.  We do it a couple of times a year.  But we have fun. So Ry, Matt, Warren, Parker, Chi Chi, and I took to the links.  A lot of golf balls were lost, but a lot of fun was had.

After that, we went and did what we Dudley's do best - batting cages.  Sure, we are all a bit rusty, but it was fun to do the thing that we love to do so much.  Baseball has brought us close together as brothers and dad and kids.  We have learned so many lessons through it, and I am grateful for the chance to play.  Of course, as we did so, Chi Chi always seemed to win the specific game we were playing.  It's probably because he would make the rules as we went along.  Also, he would be the judge for everyone, and judge himself much easier than he would the rest of us!  But that's ok.  In all fairness to him, the "old man" still has something left in the tank!

After baseball, we all went back for dinner at my parents' house.  Ryan and I jammed on the guitar for a bit, and then just talked.  I think it was good for us to do that so we could both see that there is no reason to be scared.  I am not worried about dying because I know I won't.  And that was good for him to see, and for me as well.

Today was a great Sabbath Day.  Again, went to my parents' for dinner with the family.  Ryan took off shortly after.  It was awesome to be with him.  Just wish he and Steph lived closer!

I am exhausted from this great weekend.